Face into your fear of being disliked

I’ve been reading Margie Wharrell’s 50 Everyday Acts of Courage.

So far it’s a really great read, recommended for any first time or rising leader.

The more leaders I meet through coaching, the more I reflect with some sadness on how much goodness I feel in this person and the strenuous efforts they are making to conform to what they think perfection is.

Fearful of being themselves, because they are flawed and potential dislikeable. And it’s hard as a first time leader to be comfortable with being disliked. Likely to fit in you’ve spent time trying to win everyone’s approval.

But here’s the thing. Approval and being liked are two different things. Let’s unlock.

Look in the mirror and what do you see?

Look in the mirror what do you see?

I might see tired eyes, teeth not quite as I’d like, signs of ageing.  

Find a childhood photo and look at yourself and what do you see?   In mine I see optimism, joy, happiness, an explorer ready for the world.

We are geared to see the worst in ourselves and the best in others.

Social media doesn’t help at all.   I’m moderately successful in what I do.  I have a job which is more of a vocation that gives me great joy.  I can help others on their leadership journey through my coaching practice.  

I know I’m not a CEO of a company except my own.  I know I’m not and will not be the Tony Robbins of the coaching world.

Open the mirror of social media and I’m reminded of all who are better than me and become hyper aware of my flaws and gaps.  I have to work on the positive narrative, the negative just comes more easily.

Timid feels safe when it’s not.

Many of us grew up in a world that was deferential and maybe through that we develop[ timidity.

Being timid means we’re easily swayed by the confidence of others bigger, bolder or appearing to be better than ourselves.

We wait until we’re spoken to.   We do good things, but we wait until we’re discovered, possibly finding years later that hardly anyone bothered to search for us.

Timid drives us to conform, to make ourselves look like everyone else, sound like everyone else.

Timid makes you invisible.   Invisibility is not a great strategy for developing your leadership.

Learning from Malala Yousafzai

Malala Yousafzai was born in Pakistan in 1997 and from an early age advocated for girls’ right to an education.

By 2012 her work has made her a target and unfavourable for her views.   A Taliban gunman shot her in the head.  She survived and went on the win a Nobel prize for her advocacy.  

Her story is powerful because she spoke up for what was right regardless of the clear danger to her life.

Had Malala’s value set been about conformity, fitting, knowing her place, timidity, the world would never have known of Malala Yousafzai.   The bullet might have killed her, it wouldn’t have registered as newsworthy.

The courage to be disliked

Many of us feel we need to fit in and say the right thing because deep down we fear being disliked.

Some of the best leaders I have worked for aren’t necessarily people known for being likeable but when you worked with them you knew what they stood for, what they wanted and sometimes that’s good enough.

Had they ever attempted to pander to everyone’s preferences, to be liked by all, it likely they’d never have gotten anything delivered or done. 

In the end with some of them whether I liked them as a person, would want to socialise with them was irrelevant.  I liked the fact they could get things done, created interesting work, gave me opportunities for my career.   Good enough.

If your people pleaser is strong, separate process and person

The first tip is to separate people and process in what you do.   It is possible in your work that you will have to do things, create things that won’t suit everyone.  That’s life.

Few products have ever been invented that suit and please everyone in every way, all of the time.   But there is a difference between disliking what is happening and disliking the person behind that change.

I can remember times as a leader where I’d try to sweeten the deal, massage the message – doing what I could to do what needed to be done but still look like I’m on everyone’s side.  It doesn’t work.  It looks disingenuous.  Ultimately it destroys trust.

If you’re paid as a leader to lead, the deal is there are times when you need to do things that aren’t going to win a popularity contest.  Instead of trying to massage your image through the change itself, it’s better to lead to crystal clear honesty.   Help your team learn they must separate process and person.

When we mix process and person it allows resentment to linger, suspicion to build and it’s not helpful to anyone.  We must be able to make the difficult call but develop the maturity to respect the person needing to make that call.

Take a hint from negotiators. 

I was listening to an interview with David Davis, one of the Brexit negotiators the other day about his time working with Michel Barnier.   Two old dogs fighting in the negotiation rooms but outside those rooms, sending each other thoughtful, personal, jovial gifts.   And why – because turning dislike of a negotiating position into a dislike of the person would ultimately mean the negotiations fail completely.

As a leader know what you stand for

As a first time or rising leader you must know your values.  If you don’t, who else can.   John DeMartini’s work on this is a great place to start.   It’s vital you know yours, not your company’s not the ones you’d like people to think of as your values.

Because they’ll see through it when your actions run contrary to your stated values.

People don’t necessarily have to share those values.   But they will respect and understand you better when they know what you stand for.   The more you can articulate your values, the more you understand how they play out in life, the more stories you can tell around your values the more people will respect them.

And in the process being liked is less important than being respected for who you are.

Your journey to being a Braver leader.

Being brave means facing into parts of us that we hide, mask and confronting them.  Because whether we like it or not, these things make us dodge the punches, the difficult decisions and hold back your leadership potential.

Your controller, avoider, hyper-achiever, stickler, people pleaser, restless, hyper rational, hyper vigilant and victim tendencies you’ve grown up with, it all starts with you.

Here is the ten-minute free check that started my journey to understand what holds me back.

I invite you to try it – and start something good for yourself. 

https://subscribepage.io/2w7ob9

You can also find more resources, courses and how to I help first time leaders eliminate imposter syndrome so you can succeed, faster, in leadership roles here www.ianbrowne.com