False comparisons
Do you remember where you were on the 14th of October 2007?
Nope neither do I.
In many respects it was an unremarkable day, except in the world of television.
It was the day that the very first episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians aired.
Today of course reality TV is a staple of the schedules and something we’re used to.
Back then it took audiences a while to distinguish between scripted drama and unscripted observation. The real and unreal.
We’re now used to reality TV. We know the producer tricks, the casting choices. We know we are watching an edited version of life. But it doesn’t stop us from comparing the edited version with the reality of our own and telling ourselves, we come up short.
Enter the netherworld of comparisons
We know enough about reality TV now to understand how producers and writers craft a narrative and then seek individuals who will bring that narrative to life.
We know how cast members that fail to live up to the narrative are written out of their own lives.
We know how cast members act-up to meet the audience expectations.
We know the tragic mental health consequences of so called reality TV stars,
Despite all this, many of us find it hard to distinguish between reality and the curated version of reality that’s set before us.
Imposter Syndrome thrives on crafting comparisons
If we hired Imposter Syndrome to be a TV producer he’d be good at it. He knows you’re hard wired to see others’ strengths as stronger than they are. He knows you’re wired to see your weaknesses as more critical than they are.
He is a master of planting seeds of doubt, suspicion of motives, bad intent.
He is the master architect of self-sabotage. Before we get an opportunity to succeed, he’s already convinced us to back out.
This is the story of Jeannie and Sylvie
Jeannie and Sylvie live in different countries, grew up in different education systems. They don’t know each other. In common they both like reality TV and they both work for tech companies in a similar software field. And they were both for the first time, entrusted by their managers to go to a Europe wide tech conference, pick up new stuff and bring it back to the ranch.
At the conference sign-in – Jeannie and Sylvie arrive at the reception desk at the same time. They have similar surnames so after the usual search for name tags, they strike up that conversations strangers at conferences do as they seek to find some people to at least hang with until things get going,
Despite different backgrounds and upbringing, the two have a lot in common, similar struggles, similar niggles with co-workers, similar experiences of being women in a technology field dominated by men and similar interests in emerging technology. They swap stories and bond together over lunch.
When lunch is over the delegates have been invited to choose between four different seminars. Jeannie picks the natural and obvious choice, which is a conference on a subject she is deeply curious about and has spoken with Sylvie about in animated terms, over lunch.
She’s feeling optimistic and energised being around these people at the conference and is up for a great afternoon of learning from inspired speakers. She enters the seminar space and takes her seat amongst others. The room’s not yet quite full of people but enough to reassure her that she’s chosen something topical.
The host comes on stage to introduce the topic and the guest panellists. The audience clap politely as the panellists are brought on stage and take their places on rich deep leather seats. And one of those panellists is Sylvie.
As the discussion gets going, Jeannie’s head should be absorbed in the detail of the subject and yet it is distracted by watching Sylvie’s assured performance, coping with the cut and thrust of the argument, bravely taking questions from the host and the audience.
Though Jeannie should be focussed on the topic a whole range of conversations are going on in her head:
· I thought she was just like me, how did I not spot that she’s not?
· She looks so assured on stage whereas I can’t summon the courage to ask a question?
· She’s the same age as me, how did I fall so far behind?
· Why was I not invited to speak at this conference, maybe it’s a sign I’m not good at anything?
· Maybe my manager was sending me here to buck my ideas up
· Maybe I’m not right for this space at all
· Maybe I need to find another field before time runs out and it’s all too late
A downward spiral. Based on an imagined reality. Jeannie wasn’t to know that this was, for Sylvie, a nervous first time speaking moment. She’d spoken in front of domestic audiences but at a European level and having to speak only in English as not her first language, she was worried, not about not knowing the subject, but not being able to explain herself.
Back in Sylvie’s office the team were watching a live-stream of the performance, and Sylvie knew just this. She also knew her fellow two panellists were significantly more experienced. Do a good job and this could lead to more bookings. Do a poor job and you’ll always be consigned to the audience.
At the start of the session, she looked out at the audience and spotted Jeannie in the middle, smiled and new she had at least one person who’d be listening and appreciate her input.
When the session was over, she came off from the stage. People complimented her delivery. She walked out into the audience to find Jeannie, a friendly face who could calm her down from the adrenaline rush of presenting.
Except Jeannie’s already left, filled with shame and embarrassment, she couldn’t face re-engaging with someone clearly more accomplished than herself.
Truth be told we all have a little bit of Jeannie in us
How many social media platforms are you on? I’ll take a guess – LinkedIn, Instagram.
Each platform has its way of keeping you hooked, reminding you of the success of others, their 10x business growth, sudden promotion, getting engaged, buying the first house, starting a family, buying a boat if that’s your thing.
And the space around you feels grey by comparison.
You know you’re seeing a limited an scripted view of someone’s existence. No-one’s posting about being bawled out by the boss, losing a client, losing sleep because the baby kept them awake all night.
But Imposter Syndrome doesn’t care about reality. It’s there to trigger false comparisons and distort perspective. It’s there to make you feel guilty and unworthy. It’s there to tempt you into short-lived transformational change that’s all on the surface, never reaching the deep stuff.
It teaches you to find comparisons in everything. I know someone who was training for her first marathon having only ever got to 10k. She phoned her Mom to tell her the ambition. ‘Oh you want to speak with your brother Phil, he’s done New York, Boston, he’ll tell you the best way’. Memories of living in the shadow of an older always successful brother filled her with an urge to give up.
It’s as easy as that.
And when we’re done with blaming ourselves, we lean into blaming others or blaming the circumstances around us.
The antidote to judgement is gratitude and perspective
Research shows for every bad memory we need three good ones to overcome the feelings.
You can reduce the bad ones by committing to replace the time you spend doom-scrolling and comparing yourself on Instagram with more productive use of your time. You know, that time you keep saying you don’t have. Have a social amnesty for a week, see how much you get back.
Then get a little notebook and try this for two weeks:
Every day, at the end of the day write down
· One thing that went well for you today
· One way in which you helped someone else
· One thing you learned
Very quickly you have the elements of things to acknowledge as being good about you.
If you’re keen to go further, write out three statements like these:
· I do my best work when I’m well rested in my nice comfortable bed
· I feel energised from the warm shower and the taste of fresh coffee in my cup
· I value that sense of belonging with my co-workers, that we create great things together
· I have a loving family and a safe home to come back to no matter how hard the day has been
And we you leave the office each day, as you wind down from the laptop – slowly walk through your three statements and visualise all the faces you see in these stories, hear their voices, notice the expressions on their faces.
In conclusion
Create your own reality TV show, the story of you.
Gratitude will help you during life’s difficult moments that will come as they do for all of us.
Gratitude will also remind you of the great things you have going for you, the sum of which is unique to you. It’s your reality, owned by you. And for that, there’s no comparison.
In my coaching I’ll often be asked what productivity tips can you offer, how can I improve my performance, how when I’m working flat out as it is can I possibly step up and take on more responsibility – after all there’s only 24 hours in a single day right?
And you are right. That step up means letting go of some of the patterns that got you to where you are today. The things that sabotage your capability to be happy and productive.
As you know if you look me up, I use the Positive Intelligence methodology to take clients through this deep thinking at a very individual level – to learn to eradicate the unhelpful thought patterns in themselves and develop positive intelligence within themselves and those around them.
Remember the fastest and most effective way to improve your productivity, performance and ultimately the career success you want, is to take your foot off the brake pedal.
If you want my help figuring out how to do this, just reach out and talk.
Take action
You can’t fix what you don’t know. Click below to take your free saboteur assessment.
There’s no obligation to take this further. If you want to go it alone, that’s OK.
Overcoming self-sabotage is the fastest and most effective way to impove your productivity, performance and ultimately your career success.
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